my heart is breaking in the most terrible and the most lovely manner possible.

today afternoon i saw it fit to let thankfulness take me in a full-body grip and let it fall over me, make my hands join together and my head bow as tears stung my eyes as the boy i love sat beside me with his face buried in my hair, breathing in my smell and looking at me.

i am thankful. my heart is breaking, my existence is breaking up into pieces which are being blown away, i have nothing to call my own right now, no mass, no belief, no promise, no comfort, i am nothingness right now yet i couldn’t care less, i am thankful and i am happy.

his gaze upon me, his words playing with mine, chasing, then being chased with conversation, ideas of everything under the sky, his breath sharing the same air as mine, his thoughts in his head but so clearly fixated on me i could see all the way through his eyes into his head, a smile playing on his lips that had my name at the beginning of it, tender, daily, almost petty moments of a few hours of coexistence with him that i absorbed in then and recollect now as the memories of a lifetime. i love him so much. his touch starts on my the surface of my skin and seeps below to warm my heart. his breaths where i could feel them, close to my ears and the nape of my neck. like soft music. this is the sound i want to wake up to everyday. his smile that is the first thing i see as i raise my head from being lost in kissing him after ages and ages of blankness, feels like watching the sun rise after a night of quietly peaceful sleep. watching him, eyes shut and a smile playing on his just-kissed lips, i take a mental photograph like i always do and then shut my eyes while it develops and stays imprinted on the back of my eyelids for all the hard days and nights i am yet to see.

i am just thankful. nothing else. gratitude is flooding through every pore of my body, gratitude and relief at being given one more chance, a few more hours to soak in his presence. 

a soft force took my hands and made them to join, gently made me bow my head and shut my eyes tight in a liberating sort of fear as i prayed to the universe, i thanked everything we’d seen, talked about, touched on our journey since the first day of us till here. i didn’t know what else to do but pray, and thank.

i’m in love with him. new love every day, but always the same boy.

my daily diary is slipping away. already. i forget to easily, i am too distracted. regular journalling needs dedication, and i need to up the doses i dedicate to this digital diary.

my world is hopping from one foot to another. i can’t say if i feel deader than usual or aliver. i feel like too much has been said by me, too many of my secrets dislodged and too many thought-worlds leaked out into the open in a way that i feel like i have less clothes on. on the other end, intermittently, i also feel that too much has been held inside, that something needs to be said ad i can’t recognize what. oh my, this terrible state of swirling confusion is unsettling. i m running high temperature, maybe all the body heat is sending my mind into overdrive? for now, it’s time for pranayam-deep breathing i a long series of attempts at a calm, focused head. the calendar screams exam alerts, a week from now sits my lifesaver exam over the date on the calendar.

i can’t write like  usually do. i’m writing like sprinkling random-ments(trying to make up a word that rhymes with embellishments or adornments), but i need to get my crammed head into an easy flow of thoughts. ooh, only if i had an instant booster/energiser/comfort like most people. coffee, cigarette, alcohol, anything.i did, once upon a time, but i outgrew all of these. i’m too slow a person for something as fast a as accumulating and burdensome like an addiction. i feel every little thing, and i usually feel too much, i don’t think think i’ll reach the point of addiction. my fulfillment happens in small doses and i am too fickle, but tonight, just to ease my mind of he flurry, flurry, flurry of mindless buzzing inside it, i wish i had an instant comfort.

i may be meeting s tomorrow. that could also be why i’m mentally hyperventilating. he’s in the city for a few days and i thought, why not? i can’t avoid him, after all these year, it’s hilarious to act like that. we’ve been talking for a week now. talking in bits and snippets. in pieces of the big cake(happy birthday raj!). not much, just the usuals. it’s been surreal, mind-bogglingly surreal that these days exactly the moment i let go of something, it boomerangs right back at me. i’m treading very cautiously into the waters of the awkward small talk we share these days. he’s just like me. this thin thread of hellos by which our love hangs, this narrow path of in-between, of love and nothingness is so so fragile it makes me cry at how vulnerable, how fragile we are right now. i am guarding this…this thing from all sorts of unconscious manipulation of my mind or my heart or my impulsiveness, i am guarding this thing so fiercely from any push, further or backwards, good or bad. i’m literally holding my breath. i’m walking the tightrope between hoping and not. i nver new patience would such an intricate game. i know now what it’s like to wait, stay unmoved, just be, only exist, just breathe for a little while.

i wrote him a letter. and i may meet him tomorrow. my head spins i crazy to-and-fro motions. it is difficult to contain this whirlwind buzzing inside me any longer. i hope my skin would stop heating like the summerdays these days.

fever.

feeever.

a few days ago, i wrote about how, as a burning dreaming, growing girl full of youth and energy and wild unassuming spirit, i thought i could change the world, my world. i thought in the form of my thoughts, and raw emotion, and my honesty, and desires plus my drive, i have the raw material i needed to bit by bit shape my world into a full-blown life that i would ease into like water in a few days time. this thought is incredibly empowering, and sometimes i clutch with empty fists at the air around me while tears sting my eyes, so happy with the beauty and life around, so happy to feel and see and be alive.

i hold this part of me close on cold, empty, lonely nights. this little burning flaming girl full of dreams and childish faith of everything-will-be-okay, i hold her close to save me from slipping into crippling inactivity.

today morning, as i walked the busy street of university enclave to collect my college form, i passed tens of college students in a cluster of bright-colors(so very dilli) coming forth and going back, a completely opposite but empowering still realization crept into my mind. i saw these people with a million different stories in their head and the million different ends to it, i saw change, the process of changing, moving, progressing right in the face and i felt being rooted to the spot and being swept away by a whirlwind of changes…it felt fantastic. to let go, to submit myself to the crazy whirlpool life is, to surrender to changing with a gracefulness and not my usual, cautious tightness. it feels a little surreal because even while i’m just walking down a busy road, my mind sees it as walking into whirlpools of stories and little violent waves of storm and i almost always walk like a drunkard, a little tipsy, but i’m not scared of change anymore. i can let go now. i can welcome change like a friend.

when i logged in, i read something of a similar nature on Tulika’s profile and it gave me a nice warm feeling to know i’m not completely alone here.

accepting never felt any cool back when i thought it a year back. it was always way…comfortable? to question, to reject, to try to change the existing. it never occurred to me that change and acceptance can go hand in hand, and more than that, they can nurture each other in a twisted symbiotic relationship that makes life an adventure. i can’t seem to explain these calculations and deductions with the accuracy of a scientist, however, with the impulsiveness of an artist i will say that this is a nice place to be in.

otherwise, normal sleepy day today. my sleeping has been disturbed but i know better than to fret over sleep now when my exam’s so close. it’s awful to be hit my the empty space s has left behind in my life in the middle of the day, sometimes while eating, sometimes while walking my dog with mum, when i burst out crying. i have my moments, but for the most part, i seem to have made peace with the fact that the warm feeling of togetherness i had for five years in my life is no longer around, close enough to touch…and it’s not because i’ve moved on(still struggling to grasp a meaning behind that common phrase). it’s because…and it’s scary to admit it in front of anyone…it’s because i still have a lot of faith. i still have faith in the way i loved and the manner i was loved back, which, if anything, was blinding honesty in all its moments and memories. i have faith in honesty, if anything. my faith is not a obsessive heap of habit+inability to accept reality+being hung up, as i earlier suspected it to be. my faith is my own, it stays during the good and the bad parts of my still-crazy nights, and maybe this faith is just love, and maybe this warm feeling is the afterglow of the warm love i’ve had for so long, but it grows and multiplies each day, and instead of pulling me down into a ball it pushes me out of my room and inspires me to act, to love, to live…it’s still here. everything is here. i just have to believe. i don’t commit myself to an imagined outcome, good or bad, i just follow my heart. i tried holding back, but no, so here i am again. believing.

sigh. so much life around. heads are a-spinning. :-D

too many times in my largely thoughtless youth i have heard, make the most of your time. chala jayega to pachhtaogi. and nineteen times out of twenty, i have heeded this advice by throwing my hands in the air and breaking into a jig. sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally. i found it impossible to be scared of the future. i could not think of it as a stranger lady who would one day decide to drop by in a surprise visit and make or break my life.

but some nights when all is dark and i’m crouched in a corner and crying, i feel time tick-tocking away from me. with a serenity about her gait, i see time gather her skirts and get up to leave, leaving a heavy nothingness in her chair. i say a goodbye and she smiles.

somedays when i feel the sun burning my sunscreen skin, a dance in my body and a song on my lips, i can feel time, the present moment, fill me up like a drink…i gasp outloud in utter amazement. i am young, i think. i am 18. i’m nowhere yet, and i couldn’t care less. i have so less of rigidity in my life, and so much of fluidity. it’s all liquid, and i can freeze myself into anyone i want, and live like that. if i get weary, i can melt and journey again to to find myself a new exciting shape to freeze in. i am all imagination right now. i can do anything, i think, and i can be anyone, and i gasp out loud again and again in utter amazement of this fact. of their own, my eyes widen and my hands clench together with nervous excitement and i gaze up at the sky with a grin.

today morning, as i walked barefoot along a very public footpath of a very busy road with the sky filling my eyespace, for the first time the whole cycle of time’s absence and presence became clear to me. that it’s not. i realised: we create our time. time walks with us, like a shadow. we are time.

it didn’t matter that i was being glared at by high-heels, sneakers, boots and chappals. i was spending some very private moments with two good friends.

i didn’t move a muscle this mother’s day. except maybe my brain muscle to think but still came up empty-handed each time, and maybe my jaw muscles to smile and frown muscles to frown as i felt guilty. i go to great lengths to avoid the complacency that comes with growing, our enthusiasm halves during festivals, in relationships - as one gets farther and farther away to being jokingly called a child or being mistaken for one. i don’t try to push back the time or make a fool of myself, but i don’t lose my child either. i have vowed to celebrate everything that happens in a day with childlike curiosity and reception and i am proud to announce, this mode of operation comes very naturally to me, i don’t have to struggle at all. and i am happy about that.

so this mother’s day when i succumbed to the eventlessness of my daily life and couldn’t let mother’s day crawl on me, think a little something special up for my mother - i was ashamed. i was ashamed like a child who’d peed his pants. and i spent the whole week with this feeling.

today morning, like all mornings, i woke my mother at 6 to bolt the door after me as i went out for my walk. on the way to the door, i paused and bent to tie my shoelaces and as i straightened up, i saw something that surprised me. my mother stood rubbing both her eyes with her fists, grouching and grumbling like an overgrown child. it made me laugh. she looked cute, so i sort of patted her cheek ans smiled at her.

on the way to the jogger’s park i realised i’m not that far gone to ‘need’ celebrating a mother’s day. i love my mother, i am sensitive towards her, i constantly try to make time for her and we can still share a good laugh together. and then days like these, when i can mother my mother. i love mothering my mother. i love the curious look she gets in her eyes when i unexpectedly pat her head or her hand in a spontaneous movement of affection that is thoughtless on my part. it just comes. and we’re still friends. i’d grab at every excuse to love my ma, but i don’t ‘need’ a mother’s day yet.

***

12th may late at night i read your email, s. i didn’t feel much except relief. i tried reading it once, twice and more times to try and process your words and the meanings behind them so i could work out whats and whys in my head but everything was clouded by relief. i think i texted you once/twice in the days between email day and today, fuelled by your words. yesterday morning at 3 you texted and asked what i felt about what is left of us. i proposed to not cut all ties immediately, and in return you told me you felt nothing for me, for us at the moment. i talked cautiously, not wanting to push anything. we agreed to stay in touch. we talked about a few general somethings. i was so relieved. just so relieved at having talked to you, at having gotten an opportunity to include you in my ‘today i did this…’ because everyday it feels like you’re slipping away. i tried evaluating the situation again but logic eluded me as i sat in a corner on the bed soaked in relief.

suddenly, it hit me how precious this was. this ten-text worth of conversation we’d just had. i realized how fragile and precious it was and i was scared thinking how easily i could break or damage this, this thing, this thin thread we were existing on, and i promised myself, i vowed right then to guard it fiercely for all i was worth. the biggest threat to this thing is my own head, and i will guard this thing from my thoughts. i will leave it untouched, and i will hold it close until things get better.

***

exam dates are coming closer and i still can’t seem to study. CATE and CJET are in 20 days, at most. i HAVE TO, HAVE TO study. i mustn’t rot in a sub-standard college. i must sleep less, exercise more and study a hell lot more. so glad i finished this entry though. it was weighing on my being and i’m glad to have outed it on here. this journal-ling thing isn’t half bad.

this day(12th may) begs me to shut up. not to words needs to be be said about it. but i will. i need to get it out of my head and onto here.

i woke up, alright. tried doing yoga to the beats of music, but got bored and so woke urvi to accompany me on my walk. r, a schoolmate turned up in the park. we talked for a bit before she asked, so how’s s? i was silent for a while. how is s, i wondered in my head. hope he’s alright, i told her, kya, baat nahi hoti kya? not since a month, i said. she was silent. we broke up, i said. she was fumbling for words to say. eventually she said, kaafi lamba chal gaya, nahi? i said, yeah, kaafi lamba chal gaya, while mentally thinking, jitna socha tha uske muqabley to kuchh bhi nahi chala. then we got into a discussion about long-distance relationships and we threw exmaples around and other self-righteous shit while she related anecdotes from her life pertaining only to bunking, ghoomna, todu-stuff and alcohol that first troubled me, then bored me. i don’t understand majority of the young people today. how complete, sorry, ‘cool’ they feel in their utter, utter mindlessness and how they have no idea about it. slow march towards apocalypse, like panda says. i thought my life is good, i am happy, i feel, i thought, i am kind, i am nice, i debate, i discuss, i have an opinion, i have realisations, i am in touch with the truth, i can create, i can enjoy time spent with my family, i like children, my joy is my own and not mindless in its existence. i felt happy, and i felt whole. i didn’t feel anything towards her as she said goodbye and went to her rut of a life, walking away from me. not jealousy, not superiority, not pity. i just smiled with a fullness in my heart and bade her luck.

we came home, we had breakfast, we slept.

this is may 12th in all its entirety.

there was no studying, no exercising, no getting-out, no thing.

it was impersonate-a-dead-body-day. which we did to the best of our abilities.

no tuitions. it rained throughout the evening, and well into the night. i woke when dad came home and we had dinner together. dad had his drink and slept early, so ma and i took xylo out for his night walk in cool, crisp after-rain breeze. we laughed quite a lot when both of us had to drag papa’s scooter inside the gates and then place it on the brakes. during that time, when i was laughing, i simultaneously wondered how lightly, easily laughter was coming to me. my own spurt of giggling surprised me. it was close to the free-girl giggle. this thought filled my chest.

we had vanilla icecream for desert, and then i stole some more after the house fell asleep. i’d planned to wash my hair, but tomorrow’s sunday, so i’m giving it up for now. i read up on osho a lot. i am so interested. i want to keep reading about his teachings, and so i will.

tomorrow’s mother’s day, and i cannot work my mind enough to think of anything special to do for my ma. back-up plan , of course, is the cook for her and eat together  routine, but i want something new thing time around. maybe an idea will hit during the night?

huge nothing today. huge heavy nothing for more than half the day.

i didn’t wake early. this is different than the other days when i don’t get out for a walk even though i’m awake and sleep instead. today, i just didn’t wake. i attribute part of this lapse to my somewhat tiring yesterday, where i’d exerted myself much more than my shameful usual-s, so i don’t feel sick to my toes - just really guilty. i slept the whole day, not even waking when my sister came home after a full-day at school. mum had a longer than usual day at work today, which meant i had to see urvi off, but i slept on and i am so ashamed. i did a very bad job of being an elder today.

i woke after i bolted the door after my sister, and few minutes past, mum arrived. it was raining by then and just little over an hour to go for my tuitions class. i wondered if i’d have to miss them because of the rains as i handed mum a glass of water.

rain stopped. i went to my tuitions. those twin baby girls are little mush-worthy things. adorable. uday held one of them as i entered their home, and i widened my eyes as i looked at her over his shoulder. i began talking to her about rains and walking in the rain and told her my name, and asked if she’d like to be my friend and take a walk in the rain with me. she widened her eyes and just as i was about to look away, she let out a half-gasp-half-giggle. i froze. it was pure delight filling up her shining eyes! her mouth opened and closed in a lopsided ellipse and it made me so hap